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04/05/08
the poison hits my vein. the pins and needles
come. i start counting in my head 1, 2, 3..
until the pain of the poison goes away and
numbness overtakes me. i
barely watch the needle going in anymore.
i get to see it all too much as it is, and
sometimes it misses the vein again and again and
it really isn't as exciting anymore to be
a pin cushion doll. this relief of pain
used to be freedom. but when you've reached
places only junkies touch, well, it's
getting old. the numbness isn't even
comfortable anymore.
3/23/08
i try to just not think about the situation.
i try to refrain from feeling anything at
all. i'm so used to hurting, so this is
nothing new. i'm caught up in a bundle
of lies that build up beneath the surface
of my skin. karma will catch up with me
soon. something will break soon, i can't
continue on this carousel of ups and downs
and give and take. i've been giving
myself away again just like i used to
before i knew any better. they call me
beautiful and i give them pieces of me
because i think they deserve it. i think
that i owe them something.
i may never be complete again. i may
never gather my composure enough to make
it all better. i'm trying not to think
about it. there is so much to think about.
there is so much hurting in the world
and i'm hurting myself and i'm bound to
hurt someone else soon if i continue on
this path.
3/30/08
i've been trying to find myself,
my real self that lies behind this
plastered-on shell, dilated eyes.
i've been trying to see who i am
without those chemicals polluting my body.
maybe i just didn't like myself
so much that i had to cover it up
in all this disease, all this disorder.
but life has become too unmanageable
anymore to live like this, and so
maybe i have to shed the shell,
reveal the me that i'm scared to see.
the first sober day, i took a razorblade
to my skin, hoping to send endorphins
throughout my body, hoping to numb
my aching muscles, my tired soul.
in the end, it ended up bringing me
a little peace. scars heal. addictions
don't.
the next day, i stayed positive and i
had this unbelievable inner peace
within myself. i laid out on the deck
for a few minutes and drank up the
sunlight and utter solitude. my body
was weary and i prayed for the sun
to energize my soul.
day three was still mind over matter.
i couldn't remember the last time i had
felt so proud of myself. my body still
aches but i feel as if i've stepped
off of this sick cycle carousel.
i'm still trying to find out who i am
beneath all of this. i know in there somewhere
i am creative and smart and honest and
caring, and i'm just going to let all
of that rise to the surface so that i can
become me again.
03/23/08
i want to be 16 again. sometimes i feel
16 again when we're together and
letting laughter be our medicine and
sharing giggles and secrets and pain.
but i'm married now. and although 4 years
have passed, i don't feel like i've
gotten any better. my body is still
taking a beating. the guy that has
held my heart for two and a half years
lets me hold on to my self-destruction.
i put my small hands over his mouth
and he doesn't say "mellisa,
you could die from this."
maybe
4 years ago isn't so different from
these days we're living now.
maybe we still are just those sick
little girls starved for attention,
starved for hope, and so sick of life.
the poison hits my vein. the pins and needles
come. i start counting in my head 1, 2, 3..
until the pain of the poison goes away and
numbness overtakes me. i
barely watch the needle going in anymore.
i get to see it all too much as it is, and
sometimes it misses the vein again and again and
it really isn't as exciting anymore to be
a pin cushion doll. this relief of pain
used to be freedom. but when you've reached
places only junkies touch, well, it's
getting old. the numbness isn't even
comfortable anymore.
3/23/08
i try to just not think about the situation.
i try to refrain from feeling anything at
all. i'm so used to hurting, so this is
nothing new. i'm caught up in a bundle
of lies that build up beneath the surface
of my skin. karma will catch up with me
soon. something will break soon, i can't
continue on this carousel of ups and downs
and give and take. i've been giving
myself away again just like i used to
before i knew any better. they call me
beautiful and i give them pieces of me
because i think they deserve it. i think
that i owe them something.
i may never be complete again. i may
never gather my composure enough to make
it all better. i'm trying not to think
about it. there is so much to think about.
there is so much hurting in the world
and i'm hurting myself and i'm bound to
hurt someone else soon if i continue on
this path.
3/30/08
i've been trying to find myself,
my real self that lies behind this
plastered-on shell, dilated eyes.
i've been trying to see who i am
without those chemicals polluting my body.
maybe i just didn't like myself
so much that i had to cover it up
in all this disease, all this disorder.
but life has become too unmanageable
anymore to live like this, and so
maybe i have to shed the shell,
reveal the me that i'm scared to see.
the first sober day, i took a razorblade
to my skin, hoping to send endorphins
throughout my body, hoping to numb
my aching muscles, my tired soul.
in the end, it ended up bringing me
a little peace. scars heal. addictions
don't.
the next day, i stayed positive and i
had this unbelievable inner peace
within myself. i laid out on the deck
for a few minutes and drank up the
sunlight and utter solitude. my body
was weary and i prayed for the sun
to energize my soul.
day three was still mind over matter.
i couldn't remember the last time i had
felt so proud of myself. my body still
aches but i feel as if i've stepped
off of this sick cycle carousel.
i'm still trying to find out who i am
beneath all of this. i know in there somewhere
i am creative and smart and honest and
caring, and i'm just going to let all
of that rise to the surface so that i can
become me again.
03/23/08
i want to be 16 again. sometimes i feel
16 again when we're together and
letting laughter be our medicine and
sharing giggles and secrets and pain.
but i'm married now. and although 4 years
have passed, i don't feel like i've
gotten any better. my body is still
taking a beating. the guy that has
held my heart for two and a half years
lets me hold on to my self-destruction.
i put my small hands over his mouth
and he doesn't say "mellisa,
you could die from this."
maybe
4 years ago isn't so different from
these days we're living now.
maybe we still are just those sick
little girls starved for attention,
starved for hope, and so sick of life.
101, apparently. 0_0
anxious
blah